In the spirit of Easter, I’m going to resurrect some serious fan loathing.
This right fielder played for three different teams during his career, the last of which awarded him with a ludicrous five-year, multi-million dollar contract following his lone 100-RBI season. He was so infuriatingly fragile, under-productive, and listless, that I considered making a voodoo doll of him. Surprisingly, using the model of value per Win Above Replacement, that contract wasn’t as asinine as one might think, as his employer paid about $6.4 million per win (retro-valuing from the current $8 million per, that is about right for market value of the time).
Still, I hated him. In fact, if he were on fire, I’d get out the skewers and marshmallows. He played, seemingly, with less passion than the affectless Daisuke Matsuzaka, whom I also loathed. And I can, in hindsight, feel validated in opining that he was paid handsomely for past performance and not future value/potential.
As well as having the reputation for only giving medium effort and being aloof, he was also oft-injured. If he cut himself shaving in the morning, he might be out of the lineup by the afternoon workouts and batting practice. He was probably scared of his own fucking shadow. He never played more than 146 games in a season and averaged just 119 played per season. If I missed that many days of work per year, I’d be living on the street, because my mom wouldn’t let me move back in with her out of the shame for having a son with such a lackluster work ethic. So, with all that seething histrionics, let’s look at some facts concerning this dickwad’s career, shall we?
He was drafted in the 20th round out of high school, but didn’t sign. Then he was drafted twice in the first round during his college career at Florida State University. Form then he went on to accumulate 44.9 WAR and 242 home runs. Not part of that total, he once hit a Game-Seven-forcing grand slam in the postseason and he would later win a ring that fall. His career OBP (.384) is confoundingly good enough to place him 142nd all time; a stat I keep having to re-check, because it doesn’t seem possibly real. Again to my surprise, his career slugging percentage of .489 is 144th-best all time. Lastly, his career OPS (.873) puts him at 105th all time. That’s better than Magglio Ordonez, Danny Tartabull, Jose Canseco, and George Brett!!! Surely someone is hacking his Baseball Reference page, right?!?
Who is this punk?