Baseball Trivia 01.27.18B

In the Integration Era of Major League Baseball – 1947 to the present – only five players have amassed 400 or more home runs, 300+ stolen bases, and driven in more than 1500 runners. Aside from our mystery man, the other four players are Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Willie Mays, and Andre Dawson. Of the five, this switch-hitter is the only one from Puerto Rico. He has the fewest hits (2725) on that short list, but the second most doubles (565). Name him in 15 seconds flat or I pour your beer out on the floor before you can drink it all.


Baseball Trivia 01.27.18

An impressively long career of 17 major league seasons did not afford this pitcher much fame in the statistics department. Used primarily as a reliever – he only started 108 of his 828 career appearances – and not even a high-strikeout fireballer at that, with measly 5.4 K/9 and 1.5 K:BB ratios. If we go by the WAR metric, his career 4.9 WAR averages out to 0.288 WAR per season, making this mop-up, middle reliever the very definition of “replacement player.” It’s amazing how long an average reliever can stretch out a career, but he almost ended it one fateful NLCS Game 4. After blowing the lead for his team by serving up a fat meatball to Carlos Beltran for a home run, he nearly gave the next batter a concussion when he hung a pitch just over his head. What happened after the end of that inning may well be his most (in)famous moment as a major leaguer. Once in the dugout, he slammed his (non-pitching) fist into the bullpen phone, breaking his hand. He and his team would still persevere to get to the World Series that year (his second Series appearance and not a ring to show for it). For his career, he went 88-82 with a 4.46 ERA, 1.498 WHIP and a laughable 842 strikeouts across 6222 batters faced. Who’s this genius?

Baseball Trivia 01.25.18

This big first baseman played from the 60’s through to the early 80’s, crushing 354 home runs with four different clubs (two in the NL and two in the AL). His 354 home runs rank 8th during the span of his career and he outpaced Willie McCovey by 38 RBIs in that time as well. His 116 OPS+ slots him in the Top 25 for his career span. A three-time All-Star who twice cracked the Top 10 in MVP voting – once in each league for symmetry’s sake – may have been ahead of his time with his disregard for the shame associated with high strikeout totals. He has been quoted saying, “I deliberately try to hit a home run every time up. That is what they pay me for,” when confronted about all his whiffs. He would have fit right into today’s style of hitting approach and it’s too bad we don’t have StatCast data for him. His 1570 strikeouts are fifth most for his era, but his 487 walks are nearly half as many as the next guy on the list, Tony Perez. Who is he?

Baseball Trivia 01.23.18

I was born on January 24th, 1964 and amassed 9.6 WAR over 7 major league seasons. During that time, I had a win-loss record of 27-25, but never started a single game at the major league level. Over 477.0 innings pitched, I averaged a robust 12.2 strikeouts per 9 innings pitched and 2.43 FIP with a 1.195 career WHIP. Nicknamed “Officer” as part of an infamous bullpen, I once fought my manager in the clubhouse while local television cameras were rolling. I was a two-time All-Star and NLCS MVP and I also have one World Series ring. What hotheaded reliever am I?

Baseball Trivia 01.16.18

Andrew McCutchen is 10th on the Pittsburgh Pirates’ career WAR leaderboard, as of the time of this writing, with 40.0 bWAR. Barry Bonds is 7th on that list with 50.1. Our player in question is 4th with 64.0, ahead of Willie Stargell, who has 57.5. This nine-time All-Star is in the Hall of Fame and owns a batting title (hit .385 the year he won). His .318 lifetime average is second all-time to Honus Wagner for shortstops. Even as a shortstop, he had an amazing 3.39:1 BB:K ratio. Don’t forget, folks, Barry Bonds, the all-time leader in walks, has a career 1.66 BB:K ratio for some perspective. At the age of 31, partially due to his issues with management and the Reserve Clause, he retired and was a cattle rancher in North Carolina for four years before returning to baseball for a mere 129 games spread over two seasons. His first year back out of retirement and ranching, he was on a pennant-winning Dodgers team. Who is this dude?!?


  1. I hate the word “tamp” when it is said out loud.

even hearing it just now in my head,

as I type it,

makes my skull ache

with a nearly irrepressible urge

to drive an ice pick into

my ear canal

and force myself into

the silence of deafness

even though I know

I will forever hear it in

my head, echoing in shreds

like claws on the flesh of my neck

it is the only iteration

of those four letters in a row

that makes me want to

jump into an industrial rock crusher

“stamp” is fine

“tampon”, too

but say “tamp”

and I may end it all

by drinking a pint of

glass shards and broken razor blades

The Mutated Truth

The Mutated Truth



listening to The Mutated Truth:

it comes vomiting at us in steel

and orange and bile,

reifying the Boogeyman

out of myth into daily horrors


a seventeen-headed beast

of 3 am tweet bombs

treasonous teeth chomping

on alternative facts, seasoned

with the fears of Cold War children’s nightmares

brought back to a present

on the precipice of mushroom clouds

or environmental calamity,

a dunderhead pulling out of the Paris Accord

like a premeditated rapist at the last second

before depositing his decrepit DNA


a degenerate beast, dragging

it’s shit-stained undercarriage

on wobbly legs and the incapacious hands

of some demon infant

trapped between weeping vexation,

borne of the incredulity that nobody loves him,

and vitriol,

like a Holi Festival of Colors

consisting solely of white phosphorous

and sarin gas


listening to The Mutated Truth:

the most vile album of

Mitch McConnell turkey necks

gobbling in a choir of delight

as millions lose access to

seeing a doctor, save for one drug off of a

commercial airliner by jack-booted thugs,

that cackling delight of callousness by design


and when the beast’s wobbly, flabby legs tire

he gladly prostrates himself

at the feet of White Supremacist Ideologues

crimping that slobbery little anusmouth

into a fury of fellatio, delivering

the Paul Ryans and Steve Bannons

and Jared Kushners and Vladimir Putins of the world

to a state of

orgasmic Nirvana that plasters

a bukkake of fake news all over the Internet

and buries the truth of The Race War

and The Master Plan

and The Horrifying Dawn of Tomorrow


when we all awake there, every day,

shattered mirrors of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

in a circadian relapse echo chamber

we are coated in the film, not of surprise,

but of lethargy due to repeated injuries of insidiousness.

a collective consciousness,

as fractured as it may be,

can handle only so much untruth,

only such an incidence level

of Orwellian Doublespeak


the beast’s only mastery

is the assemblage of the mightiest team of White Snowflakes

ever seen, a casting call of greed, hate,

shockingly efficient ineptitude, and avarice,

but the rest of the job is just

so astonishingly difficult, he complains


this beast is nothing new,

he hasn’t just been birthed, simply the current iteration

of the last 500 years’ worth of

genocidal coordination culminating

in a hate-spiced, whining Cheeto

a person so vile, so vacuous, that

we are forced to paint him as some demonic giant

we are cornered into the antithetical reality,

that is Kelly Anne Con’s Way


listening to The Mutated Truth:

the monster in the nightmare,

snarling, slithering, slobbering

as it chases you, an enfractured being yourself,

the brilliance in the insidious,

that we are all developing

Divergent Personality Disorders,

as an instinctual defense mechanism.

we are reduced to animals,

in the woods trying to protect our young

from the hunters


and eventually, we are frozen,

a forest of statues that used to be people,

suspended in the furious crossfire of lies

and the horror it begets in a coupling

so putrescent.

never has the process of petrification

occurred so expeditiously